Jun 6, 2010
Dateline - New Orleans
Spurred on by criticism by right wing commentators and legislators, BP CEO Tony Hayward admitted to the conspiracy he has undergone with liberals, communists, and middle eastern politicians to show the inherent limitations of free enterprise free of regulation.
"As a part of getting my life back, I wanted to tell the truth to the people of the world." stated Mr. Hayward. "My holiday was coming around the bend, and if I had to continue to running around acting like I cared about those dirty chaps in Fake Britain (his nickname for the United States), I would never have had the chance to enjoy my haggis and chips."
"I met with several leading left wingers and middle eastern mullahs to see what would be the best way to attack excesses of capitalism. They said to do it through massive exploitation, allow the worst instincts and habits to be exposed based on their arrogance and distance from the common man. What an amazing concept. The middle eastern mullahs said that they did the same thing in baiting the United States into torture and the abdication of human rights. It was so bad the United States elected a negro chap. This was my contribution to extending the growth of the human condition. "
"Furthermore, I have always hated capitalism, except for the part that allows me to get rich. Everything else is evil. So I have conspired with every force of nature and humanity to bring about drastic change. That is why I chose to be in oil and work inside of Fake Britain. There's no better place to make billions and not have any responsibility. You throw a few million dollars at a few people, and you can wreck a 3rd of their coastline for the next 60 years. That is disgusting. But I did it so I could win the next Nobel Prize. And we'll probably also end up with a tax break."