May 20, 2010
Dateline-Louisville
In a surprising turn of events, Republican candidate for Senate Rand Paul held a press conference to clarify statements and positions stated on The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC in May. "I first wanted to state my regret for going on such a wasteland of useless thought and rambling as MSNBC. They attempted to brand me as a racist, a hatemonger and an all around bad guy, for the sake of ratings. The people of Kentucky deserve better than that. So I am here to make two announcements. The first is that all though I pride myself in being a new kind of candidate, I'm going to do the traditional republican song and dance and only appear on Fox News and radio talk shows that are as looney as my father.
Secondly, I wanted to expound on my assertion that the Civil Rights Act was flawed and show everyone how a little discrimination never hurt anyone. For this reason, the Kentucky Tea Party will now publicly discriminate against blacks and Latinos. Asians are still welcome.
This comes after weeks of serious deliberations within the Tea Party overall, spurred on by Keith Olbermann and his repeated reporting on our secret meetings to ban blacks and browns from all meetings, except to serve and landscape. Although he was correct we have decided to not give him credit because we have serious reason to believe he has Jews on his staff. Thank you for coming, Stars and Bars forever!!"
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