Jun 27, 2009
Dateline - South Carolina
In a surprising move in a surprising week, one in which he admitted to having an affair with an Argentinian woman, Governor Mark Sanford held a press conference today admitting that he was the sperm donor for Michael Jackson’s children and offered advice to politicians in Washington.
“I want to be a good father. I haven’t been a good father for the past few years. This is my chance to make things right. I normally look to the Bible for inspiration, but this time I looked to the example of Sean Kemp and Larry Bird (who sired thousands of kids between the two of them).” Sanford stated emotionally “Not only was I wrong to cheat on my wife, I was wrong to not tour the world with Michael Jackson and my children.” When asked if he had ever asked Michael Jackson to make a tour stop in Argentina, an obviously embarrassed governor answered “Yes”.
Asked about possible hypocrisy based on his hardline stance against Bill Clinton in the 1990’s for his affair, Sanford rebuffed the comparison, “My opposition was based on President Clinton lying under oath and committing perjury, making it a public matter. I only lied to my wife and my children, making it a private matter. Plus, Bill Clinton cheated with a fatty.”
The press conference continued to cover traditional South Carolina politics including jokes about African Americans, Lindsey Graham’s alleged homosexuality, and the hard work it takes to routinely be one of the least educated states, but took a strange twist when Sanford was asked if he had anything to say to the Washington politicians. “I would say, and I’m very serious about this, that we should support Sonia Sotomayor’s nomination to the Supreme Court. There is just something about a wise Latina woman’s perspective that I… we really need more of in the United States.” The governor was then whisked away by his staff.